


A Part of That

by LaurensandIdrinktea



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Emotional Abuse, I love them they just don't pay enough attention, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Philip is adorable, Polyamory, Sad!John, Spanish, Tbh Laf and Alex are kinda mean, anxiety attack, but not really, polyamorous, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-07 07:19:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12228192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaurensandIdrinktea/pseuds/LaurensandIdrinktea
Summary: Lafayette, John, and Alex are all living happily together in a new home, caring for their son Philip. Life seems like it can't get any better until their relationship takes a turn for the worse. Suddenly John can't see his place within the three of them, and when Alex and Laf miss their anniversary, all the feelings come out.(it's good I promise I just suck at summaries)





	1. Anniversary

The alarm clock sounded at it’s usual time of 6:30, but sounded much louder on this particular day. Lafayette was  _ not _ having it. 

“NOOOO! My ears!” He groaned, causing John to shift closer to him and press his hands protectively over Laf’s ears.

“Lexi, turn it off!” He yelled to Alex, who slammed his hand down on the snooze button and then proceeded to unplug the entire thing.

“There we go, baby.” John giggled at Laf’s behavior, staring down at him with a smirk. 

“Thank you, mon chou.” Laf took John’s hands off his ears and pulled him down for a kiss, then turned to give Alex one as well and lingered a little too long.

“C’mon you two. Shower and get dressed. I’ll go make breakfast.” John urged them, hopping out of bed and sliding his fuzzy slippers onto his feet.

Laf and Alex pulled away from each other a couple seconds later, following John’s direction. “Thanks, babe.” Alex said to John as he walked out of the room to the shower down the hall. He kissed John on the side of the head briefly and then hurried on his way.

“Oui. We are so lucky to have you, chou chou.” Laf wrapped his arms around John’s waist and kissed the top of his head before walking into their ensuite to shower.

John was so happy and grateful to have these two men in his life that almost nothing got him down anymore. 

He walked down their grand staircase and towards the large kitchen. The house was old but absolutely beautiful, and big too.

It was a victorian style, similar to most of the other houses in Cape May.

They’d moved out of their apartment in New York City a little over a year before, right when they decided to adopt Philip. Having an actual family just wouldn’t work out in the city.

All three men had worked together at the Calvin Klein headquarters in New York. Lafayette a designer, Alex busying himself with financials and contracts, and John a graphic designer.

  
After adopting Philip, John had to quit his job and become a stay-at-home dad. He wasn’t upset about it, though. Sometimes he missed it, but having a family like this was what he really wanted.

Alex and Laf still worked in the city, though, and had a two hour commute from Cape May everyday. It was a little excessive but it would just have to work. 

John made breakfast everyday, and today he decided on toast and scrambled eggs. Laf and Alex took a while to get ready, so John had finished as they came down the stairs.

He had their plates set out along with the lunches he’d packed for them the night before. They really couldn’t afford for them to go out to lunch everyday.

“John, you are seriously an angel.” Alex grinned and immediately started diving into his food as he sat down at the table, and Laf followed suit.

“This is soooo good…”

  
“You should be a cook…”   
  
John just laughed at his partners’ antics, eating his own plate of eggs and toast. 

“So, I made a 6:30 reservation at that fancy restaurant downtown for tonight. It’s supposed to be  _ amazing _ . I got us a private room and everything.” John smiled brightly at his boyfriends across the table.

“Mon chou! You did not have to do that!” Laf looked slightly amazed by John’s planning, and grinned back at him.

“Of course I did! It’s the anniversary of the day we all started dating! There’s nothing more important to me than you two.” John responded sincerely, very very excited for a night alone with his two men.

Laf and Alex got to spend a lot of time together. Between driving to and from work, being  _ at _ work, going out to get food together in the city if they ended up working past dinner...sometimes it was hard for John to not envy them.

He  _ knows _ they both love him just as much as each other, but he still hates being stuck home all day. Cleaning, cooking, planning, running errands, taking Philip wherever he needs to go.

Of course, at the end of the day, it made him happy. He was doing this for his family...so he, Laf, and Alex could  _ all  _  be together.

No, theirs wasn’t a ‘traditional’ relationship. Laf and Alex had gotten married back when they lived in the city. John wasn’t married to either of them..or anyone else for that matter..but there wasn’t a legal way for all  _ three _ of them to get married.

And John had known how badly Alex wanted to get married. He’d talked about what he wanted his wedding to be like before they even started dating. He was  _ obsessed _ with it.

Laf wasn’t as bad, but John could still tell he wanted it. So, after they had all been dating for a while, they sat down and discussed their options.

They all  _ desperately _ wanted a kid. But they’d have to adopt. And what adoption agency was going to put a child under the custody of three gay men? It’s hard enough for gay  _ couples _ to get a kid!

  
So, that’s another reason Laf and Alex had gotten married. The adoption process went by pretty quickly, and they had signed the papers to adopt Philip only a couple months after moving out of the city.

But John did his best to not feel left out. And Alex and Laf tried really hard to make sure he felt included, so he did. Yeah, Alex and Laf were  _ legally _ married...but they loved him just the same. And Philip might  _ legally _ be only their son, but John was certainly closer to Philip than either of them. Probably because he was just around the most.

So yes, this night was very important to John. Between their work and him taking care of Philip, he really didn’t see Laf and Alex as much as he’d like. So this night would be perfect. A night with just him and his boyfriends...husbands...whatever.

“And nothing more important to us than you, darling.” Laf cooed, reaching out to take John’s hand with the hand he was not holding a fork in.

“We love you so much.” Alex added with a sweet smile, placing his hand on top of John’s and Laf’s.

It’s moments like these that reminded John that he was just as much a part of this family as them. He may not have the legal papers to back it up, but he knew he was.

A couple more minutes of chatting and eating ensued until Laf and Alex had to leave for work.    
  
“See you tonight, baby boy. I can’t wait!” Alex pecked John on the lips as they headed out the door and Lafayette did the same. “We’ll be home by 4:00!”

John was left to clean up their dishes, but he really didn’t mind.

By the time 7:30 rolled around, he had to go wake up Philip. He headed up stairs and opened Philip’s door only slightly, peeking inside. 

Philip was the cutest kid ever. They weren’t related in any way, but he looked a little bit like John. He was a Puerto Rican kid with dark curly hair and freckles like John’s. He was fluent in Spanish and English, so John felt a particularly close connection with him.

John walked over to Philip’s bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Philip’s comforter was blue and it had stars all over it. His entire room was space-themed, as he was very interested in astronomy, especially for an eight-year-old.

Philip was curled up and hugging his turtle stuffed animal, breathing softly. John almost didn’t want to wake him.

“Rise and shine, Pip! It’s time for school.” He touched Philip’s shoulder gently, causing him to stir awake and look over at John.

“J? What time s’it..” He mumbled, hugging his turtle closer. 

Since Laf and Alex were technically Philip’s parents, he called them dad and pop. But there are only so many ways to say dad, and while John is Philip’s main father figure, they didn’t want him telling kids at school that he had three dads. This relationship could get them in some trouble.

  
So, Philip called John ‘J’, and sometimes ‘JJ’ if he wanted. John was fine with it, if anything he thought it was cute. Maybe it was a little disappointing that no one would ever call him ‘dad’, but there are a lot worse things.

“7:30, kiddo. C’mon, it’s time for school.” John smiled at him, helping him out of bed. “I don’t wanna go to school, JJ.” Philip whined, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

John gave him a sympathetic frown. “I know, mijo...but it’s Friday, and maybe if you’re really good I’ll take you out for ice cream after school.” He bargained.

_ That _ got Philip out of bed. 

It was the same routine every morning. While Philip got dressed, John would make him breakfast and then sit at the table with him and drink coffee as the little freckled boy ate his lucky charms.

Then, John would help him gather up his things for school and carry his backpack to the car for him. 

Philip would climb into the backseat of the car and request that John turn on some music, his wanted stations varying from day to day. 

And of course, John would. They’d sing along if they knew the song, and still try and sing along even if they didn’t.

John walked Philip up to the door of the school everyday. Some other kids would give weird looks, as most of their parents wouldn’t do that, but Philip always wanted John to. John figured it had something to do with Philip’s past, which they never really discussed.

Nevertheless, John would hug his kid and tell him to have an amazing day at school, just to watch him run off into a sea of a million other children.

John would drive home after that. Depending on what needed to be done, he would clean the house, go grocery shopping, do the laundry, clean the dishes, fold Laf and Alex’s clothes for them.

Truthfully, he did  _ everything _ . He cooked he cleaned he did the taxes he did the school fundraisers he helped Philip with his homework he made sure everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to.

He was non-stop and at times it could get frustrating. He loved his job back in New York. Graphic designing and art in general were everything to him. And now he hardly even had time to draw. He felt like a housewife in the 50’s. 

He tried not to get too hung up on these frustrations, though. He could do this for Laf and Alex and Philip. He loved them and they all loved him back. This is what you do for family, right?   
  
………………………………………….

 

By the time 4:30 rolled around, John had already picked up Philip, taken him out to ice cream, come home and changed into his nice suit for dinner. 

The babysitter was going to be there at 5:20 and John wasn’t sure how much longer he could wait for Laf and Alex without texting them. Hadn’t they said 4:00?   
  
He busied himself with making himself look even better for Laf and Alex. He took his hair out of it’s ponytail and put a bunch of product in it, making it look bouncy and clean. 

He rarely left his hair down but figured tonight was the night to do it. Sometimes Laf would put on makeup so John stole some of it, putting just enough mascara and lip gloss on to make his brown eyes look big and innocent and his lips irresistible.

It was 4:45 now and with no sign of his partners. Naturally, John just  _ had _ to text them. 

  
So he pulled up their group chat and typed in: Hey! Hope you guys had a good day at work! I thought you said you’d be home by 4:00 so just checking in. 

It was barely a minute before he heard his phone ding with a response.

 

**From: Lexi <3**

Sorry, baby boy! We got really caught up at work. Don’t worry, we left about an hour ago! Traffic doesn’t look too bad so we should be home before six!

 

John sighed. Alex and Laf had told him that they had cleared their schedules for today last  _ week _ . He  _ really _ hoped that they wouldn’t be late.

 

**From: JJ ;)**

Okay, great! Can’t wait! Love you both <3

 

**From: Laffy Taffy:)**

Love you too, sweetest.

 

**From: Lexi <3**

Love you!

 

John reminded himself to just take some deep breaths. He couldn’t get worked up over this. It wasn’t  _ their _ fault that work got busy. And they were still gonna be home on time! Everything was fine. 

John went to Philip’s room for a while, helping him with a school project and then playing cars with him. He was constantly checking his phone, both for the time and texts from either Laf or Alex.

Soon enough, the babysitter showed up, and John left her to play with Philip, sighing when he saw that Laf and Alex still weren’t home.   
  
“Okay, Pip, I’ll see you later, okay? Have fun with Emma!” He told Philip before he went downstairs to wait for Alex and Laf. Philip seemed a little reluctant, but just hugged John and waved as he left the room.

John didn’t have time to feel guilty about it. He’d never left Philip alone with a babysitter before, but he knew everything would be fine.

When the clock struck 6:15, he quickly called Alex, starting to get pretty anxious. It took far too many rings until Alex picked up. Wasn’t he in the car? With  _ Laf _ driving?   
  
“Hey, sweetheart! What’s up?” 

If John didn’t have some self control, he would have scoffed at the question.

  
“Where are you? Our reservation is in 15 minutes and it take  _ ten _ minutes to even get into town! Let alone find a parking space!”   
  
John could hear Laf say something to Alex, that Alex laughed at, though John couldn’t quite make out what.

“Chillaaaxxx, baby! We’ll be home soon. Just hit a bit of traffic.”

“How soon?”

“Soon, darling. Why don’t we just meet you at the restaurant?”

And  _ no _ that is absolutely not what John wanted. He had wanted some time with them beforehand, wanted to get ready to go with them. He wanted them to tell him how stunning he looked in his suit and shower him in affection and say goodbye to Pip and to make it feel like they were all part of a family.

He just wanted them  _ there _ . Because they never were anymore. They were always together but never just with him.

And maybe John’s expectations had been too high for the evening. But he had planned the whole thing and he really wasn’t asking for  _ that _ much, right? 

So he just agreed to meet at the restaurant and drove there. He gave his name and they showed him the room. It was beautiful. There were grand doors that lead into it. It was all fancy wood and a round table with three chairs just for  _ them _ .

There were candles and soft music and it was just so  _ romantic _ . John’s mood was instantly lifted. This was going to be a great night. He just had to wait a couple more minutes for Laf and Alex to arrive.

  
He sat down at the table by himself, just waiting around for a minute before picking up his phone and starting to play some games on it. 

He kept tell himself that Laf and Alex would be there any minute. That any second now those doors were going to open and the two men that he loved so dearly would be standing there smiling. He kept telling himself this, for quite a while. 

  
Finally, one of the restaurant employees came in, looking rather sorry for John. She probably thought he was getting stood up. 

  
“My apologies, Mr. Laurens, but do you know when the rest of your party will be arriving? I’m afraid if it is not rather soon, we’ll have to give your table away...unless you plan to stay.”   
  
John wanted to cry. This was humiliating.

“No no, I’m sure they’ll be here any minute! Just let me call them, one second..” He told her a little desperately, pulling out his phone and calling Alex again.

It once more took far too long for Alex to pick up, but he eventually did. 

  
“Hey, Jacky! Sorry, but we’re stuck in some nasty traffic and it doesn’t look like we’re gonna be home anytime soon, so we just grabbed some McDonalds.” Alex told him far too nonchalantly. John knew it shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but he felt like his heart was breaking. 

“So...so you’re not coming?” He asked, his voice sounding much smaller than he would like. Of course they grabbed fucking McDonalds...without even thinking to call John first. Were they just going to let him sit there alone all night? Waiting from them.

“No, sorry. But how about we watch a movie when he get home?” Alex tried, but it wasn’t doing anything for John. He’d never felt so disappointed.

  
He just wanted a night with the two of them. That’s  _ all _ he wanted. He’d been talking about it all week too. This absolutely sucked. And what hurt even more was how unaffected Alex sounded by it all. 

_ He’s probably happy to just be grabbing fast food with Lafayette...didn’t want some stupid fancy dinner with you anyway… _ John started beating himself up in his head, and he knew it would only get worse.

“Oh...okay.” Is all he said in response to Alex. He was about to say ‘I love you’ to Alex, because that’s what he  _ always _ did, but then Alex started laughing, probably something Lafayette said, and John was interrupted.

“Okay, baby boy. See ya soon.” Alex laughed a little through his words, hanging up without saying I love you and not even giving John a chance to.

John stood up from the lovely table and left without another word to the restaurant employee. 

He sat in his car and cried off all of his mascara, pulling at his hair which he had worked so meticulously on.

This was it. John couldn’t do it anymore. 

He gave up everything for Alex and Laf...his job, his art, his time...he was never going to get married...he was never going to have a kid that was actually _ his _ ...and all that he asked in return from them was for them to love him.

And after this, John could very clearly see that they didn’t.

Laf and Alex always made a big deal over their wedding anniversary. They usually went out to lunch or dinner together in the city, leaving John alone at the house like always.   
  
But John, of course, told them that he understood. And for a while there, he really did. They should be able to celebrate their love for each other without John getting upset.

But John wanted that too. Of course he wanted that too. And it all just hurt so bad...he felt like they cared more about their individual relationship together than they did about all three of them being in a relationship as a  _ whole _ .

  
Sometimes, they would even take days off of work for their wedding anniversary, and they couldn’t even take a couple of hours off for their anniversary with John?! John felt nauseous, felt like his chest was going to explode. 

“Idiot...idiot idiot...of course they don’t want you..they’ve got each other, why would they want you?” He yelled at himself out loud, pulling out of the restaurant and driving back towards home.

He drove a little too fast, but he just wanted to curl up in bed.

The babysitter was confused as to why John was home so early, so he made up some bullshit excuse that made him seem a little less pathetic. He still paid her for the whole time, though, just wanting her out of there without a fuss.

Philip looked very concerned for John once Emma left, and tugged sweetly on the corner of his suit, staring up at him with wide brown eyes.

“What happened, JJ? Where are daddy and pop?” He asked, frowning. That just made John feel even  _ worse _ . He didn’t want Philip upset too.

“They’re just taking a while to drive home, mijo. You know they work far away.” John explained, trying to keep his voice calm for Philip.

  
“But..but I thought you were going to eat together?” Philip sounded disappointed himself. Truth is, he could tell that John had been crying, and he was a smart kid.

John just smiled sadly. “We were, buddy. But it didn’t work out. Some other night.” He told Philip, ruffling his hair gently.   
  
“J is gonna go get in his pajamas, okay?” He added, trying to pull away from Philip, just to have him grab his hand.   
  
“Please don’t cry, JJ. I d-don’t like it when you cry..” Philip was about to cry himself, so John scooped him up and hugged him tight. At least his son, not really son, still loved him. 

“I’m not crying. Everything is okay. I’m gonna come check on you in a bit.” John said soothingly, putting Philip back down and heading into his and his partners’ shared room and locking the door.

He tore off his suit and left it lying on the floor. He didn’t have the energy to hang it up at the moment. He put on some sweatpants and a white t-shirt, crawling in bed. 

It was nearly 8:00 now, and John couldn’t help but start outright sobbing. He tried to stay quiet so Philip wouldn’t hear, but his cries caused his entire body to shake.

When he heard the front door open, he sat up. He tried desperately to make himself look like less of a mess, but it was just so obvious he’d been crying. His eyes were red and puffy and his hair a mess from tearing at it.

  
He suddenly remembered that he’d bought Laf and Alex presents. Oh yeah,  _ presents _ . Maybe they could still do this! Maybe John could go down there and give them their gifts and they’d give him theirs and they could snuggle up on the couch and talk about how much they love each other and everything would be fine. 

So John grabbed the presents from where they were hidden in the closet, running down the stairs to see Laf and Alex talking in the kitchen. 

“John! Sorry we’re late, baby.” Alex pulled John into a hug as he saw him. John wanted to scream. They were a little more than late….but John would just have to make the most of this.

“It’s okay! We can still celebrate! Do you guys wanna do presents now? I thought long and hard about these.” He forced a big smile, holding up the two neatly wrapped gifts. He tried not to notice how both Alex and Laf’s faces fell.

“Oh, John...petit, I am sorry, I totally forgot about presents.” Laf apologized, at least looking sincere.

John’s heart sank ever further in his chest, and he was now able to feel physical  _ pain _ from how upset he was. No dinner. No presents. Of course he’d forgotten.

  
“Yeah….me too.” Alex added on, looking more embarrassed than he did apologetic. 

But John just wanted things to be happy so he simply nodded, taking in a sharp breath.    
  
“Oh, that’s okay, guys! You should still open yours.” He said with an even  _ faker _ smile than before, handing them both their gifts.

They didn’t even hesitate before opening them. 

Alex gasped, bringing his hand to his mouth in shock. “John! Oh my god, this is beautiful...and this  _ pen _ ! This is perfect!”

  
John had bought Alex a gorgeous,  _ expensive _ , leather bound journal, knowing that the man was in desperate need of a new one. As well as a fancy, even  _ more _ expensive pen to accompany it. All Alex did was write, so John thought it was fitting.

  
“I’m so glad you like it, Lex!” John smiled, finally a little genuinely. At least Alex was actually happy. 

“John! Non, you shouldn’t have…” Laf was the next to react. 

John had bought him a high-tech drawing tablet, the exact one that he’d been talking about for  _ months _ . He really did need it for work and designing, so John figured it’d be a good pick.

“Dis makes me so happy, John.” Laf smiled from ear to ear, and John was feeling a little better.  _ He _ put that smile there.

_ Stupid...that tablet put that smile there, not you. Notice how he said this makes me so happy? Not YOU. _

John’s thoughts began to spiral downward and he had to swallow to keep his tears at bay. 

“I thought you’d like it. You’ve been talking about it for a while now, so…” John smiled softly at Laf, feeling a little more discouraged now. 

“These are so great, baby. Thank you.” Alex pulled John into a one-armed hug, still examining his journal.

“You don’t have to thank me! It’s our anniversary.” He smiled, pulling away a little too quickly. 

“Maybe we could go sit on the couch and talk? I can make coffee! Or make some food if you guys are still hungry!” John offered quite selflessly, realizing that he hadn’t eaten all night either. In fact, the last thing he’d eaten was toast and eggs that morning.

But it was fine. Because now he was going to get some time with the loves of his life.

“Oh, no thank you, darling. And I’d love to stay up...but I am rather exhausted from the ride.” Laf told him, frowning slightly. 

“Yeah, and I have an important meeting tomorrow. I should probably get some sleep too, love.” Alex said. 

  
And that  _ really _ pissed John off. Alex didn’t give a shit about sleep. But now he was suddenly concerned about getting a good eight hours in? John had tried  _ so  _ hard to make this a good night. A memorable night. A night of fun and romance and happiness. But it was everything but those things now.

He couldn’t help himself, the tears started flowing freely and he wasn’t even trying to hide them anymore.

“Non non, do not cry, mon amour! It iz alright--”

  
“It’s not alright!! I planned out an amazing evening for all of us and you guys just  _ bailed _ on me! You’re never around anymore! You’re always with each other and never with me and all I wanted was this one  _ stupid _ night and you guys couldn’t even manage that!” John shrieked. He was probably going to startle Philip, but he wasn’t even thinking about that at the moment.

“Oh, baby, we’re sorry! We would have been home on time but...truthfully, we forgot to tell Washington that we’d have to leave early tonight. And then he scheduled all this important stuff for us and we couldn’t leave and we didn’t end up getting out until like 5:00.” Alex tried, but it was a really lame attempt at an apology.

John paused, still crying.

“B-but...you called me before five and said you’d left an hour b-before that?” He questioned, confused.

  
Alex looked guilty and glanced over at Laf, knowing he was better with words.

“Well...we knew you would be very upset if you knew we were still at work, so--”   
  
“So you LIED?! And you knew the entire time that you weren’t going to be able to make it?!” John yelled, his voice breaking as he let out another sob. 

Laf and Alex both looked down, ashamed. 

“We didn’t think it would be a big deal--”   
  
“Of course it’s a big deal, Alex! I’ve been talking about this all week! You didn’t talk to your boss, you didn’t show up to dinner, you didn’t get me a fucking present, and now you can’t even come sit on the fucking couch with me?! I only get ONE anniversary! I think you guys sometimes forget that I’m never getting married ! This night was the biggest fucking deal in the world to me and the fact that neither of you, the men who claim to love me, could see that makes me think that maybe you don’t fucking love me after all!”   
  
John had never yelled so much in his life, and he was having trouble catching his breath between the screaming and the crying.

“And maybe I should just fucking leave. You guys would be fine without me.  _ Better _ even. Won’t have stupid, pathetic, disgusting John Laurens to waste your time on dumb anniversary plans.” He couldn’t stop fucking crying, and it  _ hurt _ .

“Right?!” He asked, looking like a madman.

Laf and Alex stared at him, clearly in shock.

“Oh my god….John, please tell me you don’t actually believe any of that--”

“I’m going out.” John interrupted, running out of the kitchen and grabbing his car keys before they could stop him.   
  
He couldn’t sleep in that house tonight. 

 


	2. New York

John felt like he was drowning in his tears. It was something that sounded cliché but felt very real.

 

He was sitting in a parking lot somewhere downtown, heaving obnoxiously big breaths in and out in an attempt to stop an anxiety attack before it began.

 

Or maybe that's exactly what this was. He couldn't seem to catch a breath no matter how hard he tried, and he was shaking terribly, not to forget his inability to stop violently rubbing his hands together. 

 

Back and forth and back and forth.

 

It was something he'd done constantly done back when he had really bad anxiety. It made him look like a crazy person and hurt his hands after a while, but it was his weird way of coping. Or at least getting through it.

 

Alex and Laf had helped him through that, though. And this was the first time he'd felt so anxious in  _ months _ . Or a year, even.

 

But now the people that he had once relied on to ease his worries were the ones who had caused it.

 

And in John’s moments of despair and panic, he truly did believe that his partners had never truly cared about him.

 

He realized that they must have only wanted him for sex, and figured they'd keep him around so they would have someone to be their nanny when they wanted a kid.

 

He wasn't loved, they just loved that he took care of everything. They just needed him to keep the house running so that they could keep their jobs. Their  _ passions _ .

 

And John loved them so damn much that he actually let them. 

 

_ Stop being so pathetic...pull yourself together. Go home and yell at them. Just be angry for once. _

 

But John couldn't be angry, despite his intrusive thoughts. He loved Laf and Alex too much to be angry with them. 

 

So he was defenseless. Love had completely screwed him over and now he was so weak that he couldn't even confront his partners about something that was absolutely crushing him.

 

But he couldn't think anymore, so he crawled into the backseat of the car, trying to fall asleep in a parking lot because he had nowhere else to go.

 

  * ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••



 

“I must go look for him.”

 

“Lafayette, he wants to be left alone--”

 

“Non! He does not! Did you hear what he just said? All we ever do is leave him alone!”

 

Lafayette was taking this very hard and Alex had no clue what to do. Laf was always level-headed, easily able to come up with solutions.

 

But apparently, this was different.

 

“Sweetheart, John just had a bad day, alright? He’s upset now, but I promise he’ll get over it.” Alex tried to reassure Laf, grabbing for the Frenchman’s hands.

 

Laf immediately pulled away, shaking his head. “Non, Alex. He should not get over it. We are in the wrong here, and I  _ know _ you hate admitting you have done something wrong, love, but this time I really think--”   
  
“Stop, Laf, stop. Relationships hit rough spots, there are disagreements. That’s all this is, okay? It’s not our fault that John needs so much attention.” Alex says defensively, in an attempt to stop the guilt from eating him alive.

 

Of  _ course _ he knew he screwed up. He hurt John. But he was so stubborn and obsessed with his pride that he wouldn’t admit it. He just couldn’t.   
  
But now Laf looked very annoyed with Alex, angry even.

 

“How can you say that?! Sometimes I feel like it is impossible for you to feel sympathy, Alexander!” Laf whisper-shouted, not wanting to wake Philip, who was probably sleeping by now.

 

Alex’s eyes darkened and he shook his head, making direct eye contact with Lafayette. “John doesn’t need sympathy, Laf. He’s fine. He just needs a night to calm down.” He said cooly.

 

“Are you crazy, Alex?! Did you hear all those things he said?! He thinks we do not love him anymore!”   
  
“He doesn’t really think that--”   
  
“He does! I  _ know _ he does. He had that look in his eyes. You know what I am talking about. You know, Alexander!”   
  
And Alex did know. It was a look that Alex had seldom seen. The last time he remembered seeing John in such despair was when his little brother, Henry, passed away. 

  
When John got the call, all the color had drained from his face. It was like a switch, the way his eyes went from happy to nothing but cold and depressed. John had locked himself in his room for days when that happened.

  
And Laf was right, John had that same look in his eyes just now. It was a look that told them he’d given up. It was a look that made them think that he’d rather be dead then going through whatever it was. And he probably did.

 

“Jesus Christ! Stop it, Laf, just stop it!” Alex buried his face in his hands, starting to cry and not wanting Laf to see.

 

It truly, finally dawned on him that he’d really screwed up.

 

John gave all of his time, all of his energy, all of his  _ love _ to the two of them. And they took it for granted. 

 

They made him feel like he didn’t matter when all he deserved was their undivided love and affection.

  
And just the thought that he’d hurt his baby John so badly made Alex feel sick. He loved John more than anything, but had somehow lost the ability to communicate that to him.

 

And the worst part is, he had no clue how to fix it.

 

“Daddy? Pop?” Suddenly, Philip entered the room, and Alex let his head completely fall face down on the kitchen counter.

 

“Oh, Pippy, let us go back to bed.” Laf said quickly picking Philip up and stroking his curly hair. 

 

“B-but..” Philip looked at Alex crying at the kitchen counter, tears filling his own little brown eyes.

 

“What's wrong with pop?” He asked Lafayette, sniffling a little.

 

“Nothing, little one, he just had a busy day at work.” Lafayette dismissed, giving Philip a small, reassuring smile.

 

But Philip didn't believe him one bit.

 

“Where's JJ?” He asked next, tugging impatiently on Lafayette’s shirt. Laf shook his head, grabbing Philip’s hand.

 

“Went out to get food, petit. Come, back to bed.” He said again, heading towards the stairs with Philip in his arms.

 

Lafayette was trying very very hard to stay calm for Philip, and was somehow succeeding.

 

“No!” Philip shrieked, trying to get out of Laf’s arms. “I want pop!” He cried, reaching out for Alex who still wouldn't raise his head.

 

“Hush hush...pop doesn't feel good right now, Pip. We will talk to him in the morning, yes?” Laf said as calmly as he could, starting up the stairs.

 

“Pop is sad, dad! Why can't you make him feel better?” Philip whined. He was never this stubborn unless one of his parents was upset.

 

“Because he just needs some alone time. Zen I will make him feel better, mon fils.” He told Philip, bringing him to his room and placing him gently down on the bed.

 

“I want JJ.” Philip pouted, clearly in a bad mood.

 

“I know, but he iz not here right now--” Laf tried to keep his voice steady.

 

“Because you scared him!!” Philip yelled, his voice all shrill and angry. He really  _ was _ a good kid. And a truly kind one. But now he was all grumpy. John was gone, no one came to tuck him into bed and he got woken up by his dad's yelling at each other. 

 

“Go to bed, Philip.” Laf responded in as calm a manner as he could, though he ended up sounding like he was suppressing his anger. In some ways he was. He didn’t want Philip making him feel guilty about this too! No matter how right he was.

 

Philip frowned, shrinking back a little at the tone of Lafayette’s voice. Laf was really such a teddy bear, all sweet and gentle. He didn’t have much of a menacing side, but his height, muscles, and deep voice could sometimes make it seem like he did. 

 

Philip didn’t speak after that, just pulled the covers tightly around himself and hugged his turtle close. 

 

Laf didn’t want to say anything else, in fear that Philip would misinterpret it, so he just gave a simple “Bonne nuit” and headed for the door. 

 

“Buenas noches...” Philip called back softly, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to fall asleep as quickly as he could. Things were falling apart very quickly.

 

When Laf got back downstairs, Alex was sitting up and wiping his eyes of any lingering tears.

 

“Mon amour..” Laf cooed, sweeping Alex up into his arms and hugging him tight. “How I hate to see you cry..” He murmured into the man’s dark hair. 

“No no, I’m okay, Laf. Thanks for taking care of Pip...John usually does that.” He said at a much softer volume than what he’d been using before.

 

Laf simply nodded. They really did make John do everything...and not even on purpose.

 

“We should go to bed.” Laf said abruptly, and Alex couldn’t do anything but agree. The crying had tired him out and Laf’s arms were just so nice…

 

So they went upstairs to their bedroom and pretended to sleep, even if they were both wide awake and thinking about where John was.

 

He had no friends around here to stay with, didn’t have much time to socialize at all, really. They were a little worried, knowing this, but John was smart. He would figure it out, right? They’d see him in the morning.

 

…………………………………………………………………….

 

When John woke up, he was in a state of confusion for a good thirty seconds. Before he’d even opened his eyes, he realized just how cold he was. When he reached to steal the blanket, he found that there was none.

  
When he opened his eyes and was met with the back of a leather car seat, he sat up abruptly, glancing out the window at the parking lot. It was still empty. And suddenly he remembered.

 

But thinking about the previous night’s events would certainly send him into another downward spiral, so he opted to ignore them, climbing back into the front seat and driving towards home before he can stop himself.

 

He was only going home for Philip. There was no way that Laf or Alex would have any idea what to do with the curly-haired little boy. It’s not like they’d ever done anything anyway. 

 

Besides, it was only 8:30 anyway. Laf and Alex certainly wouldn’t be up until 11:00. John knew his partners well.

 

Which is why he was so surprised to feel strong arms wrap around him as soon as he entered the house. 

“John! Mon chou, you are home!” Of course, it was Lafayette. John pushed him away, stepping a good couple feet back from the Frenchman.

 

“What the hell are you doing up so early?” He questioned, put off. Lafayette doesn’t get to do that...just welcome John home and expect him to be fine and forgive them.

 

Laf’s face fell a little, but John couldn’t feel bad. He had to remember how hurt he was. 

 

“I wanted to wait for you. Alexander as well, he went out to grab us coffee, though.” Laf informed John, and it’s the quietest that John has ever heard him speak. 

 

“Is Philip up?” John asked, his voice monotone. He showed no emotion in his face or body language. Laf didn’t know what to do.

 

“Non, we thought he could sleep in--”   
  
“He has soccer practice in 15 minutes Lafayette!” John snapped, groaning and hurrying up the stairs to get Philip.

 

Lafayette stood in their foyer, crossing his arms and taking deep breaths. He thought about how upset John must be, he never yelled like that. And definitely not a Laf. 

 

“No! I wanna sleep!”   
  
“Pip, please. I’ll make you pancakes right now while you get dressed!” 

 

Laf listened in on their conversation that could be heard so clearly through the thin walls of the house. 

 

And soon enough, John was hurrying back down the stairs without giving Lafayette so much as a glance. He couldn’t deal with that now. 

 

He was a skilled pancake-maker, as it was the special breakfast he made for Philip every weekend. 

 

He turned up the heat on the stove in the hoped of getting them to cook a little faster, which they did. He had them out on a plate with a glass of orange juice for Philip just and he came down the stairs. 

 

“Bonjour, mon petit!” Laf greeted Philip with a wide smile, but Philip was still grumpy about getting woken up and losing sleep last night, so he didn’t return the smile.    
  
“Buenas.” He mumbled, heading towards the kitchen and sitting down at the counter. 

 

“How’d you sleep, Pippy?” John asked the boy sweetly. Philip seemed to be his one constant source of happiness. 

 

“You forgot chocolate chips, John!” 

 

Or maybe not. 

 

John had to swallow down any more tears. Had Philip really just called him  _ John _ ?! And god, how could he forget chocolate chips? He can’t even make fucking pancakes..

 

So he sprinkled them on top of Philip’s pancakes instead, which he wasn’t too happy about, but it would have to do as they were already running late. 

 

John could definitely see Laf lingering and watching them from the entryway to the kitchen, but he didn’t acknowledge him. 

 

He just had to get Philip out of the house, then  _ maybe _ they could talk. 

So he helped Philip get his cleats on and tied the laces for him, rushing him a bit as they left the house.    
  
“C’mon, Pippy, we gotta hustle. They say that in sports, don’t they?” John mused, just as Alex pulled into the driveway.

 

“Like, really...hussle, buddy.” John said even more urgently, wanting more than anything to just ignore Alex right now--

 

“Jacky! I’m so glad you’re home, sweetheart!” Alex smiled wide as he got out of his car with a tray of coffee in his hands, looking genuinely relieved. And he was.    
  
“I’m taking Philip to practice.” John responded shortly, helping Philip into the back seat and then hopping into the driver’s seat himself. 

 

“When are you gonna be back, baby?”   
  
“Don’t know.”    
  
And with that, John was gone again, speeding a little bit as they headed for the soccer field. Philip didn’t say a word, and John didn’t turn on the radio. It was completely silent and not at all like it usually was. John figure Philip was just tired. 

 

When they arrived there, John unbuckled his seatbelt, planning on walking Philip to the field as he always did. 

 

“I’ll walk by myself.” Philip told him, opening the car door with a little difficulty. 

 

“But I always walk you, Pippy!” John reminded, turning around to look at Philip and smiling reassuringly. “I don’t mind.” He promised Philip, thinking that was the problem here. 

 

“Yeah, but I wanna go by myself now. That’s what all the other kids do.” Philip said, and it made John want to cry. Not even Philip wanted him around anymore. 

 

“Oh, okay! I get it, buddy. Don’t wanna look lame with your da--” John stopped himself. He wasn’t Philip’s dad...he was just, there. “..with me..with me walking with you.” He rephrased, looking back in front of him.

 

“Well, have a good practice! I love you!” He said, sounding cheery even as close to tears as he was.

 

“Bye.” Philip slammed the door shut and John watched him walk away with tears in his eyes.

 

Had things always been this bad and he was just now realizing it? Or had things just suddenly headed South?

 

He headed back to the house for the second time that morning, dreading talking to Alex and Laf. But it was inevitable and he had so much to get out.

 

The second he entered the house, he was bombarded, again, by Lafayette.

 

“My sweetest, we got you some café.” He told John, putting his strong hands on his waist.

 

John hated it.

 

“Cut it out.” He swatted at Laf’s hands, pulling away and heading for the kitchen. 

 

He wasn't about to let Laf sway him into forgiveness just because of his touches.

 

John didn't say hi to Alex as he entered the kitchen, only grabbed a cup of coffee and began to drink it, sitting down on one of the stools at the counter with a sigh.

 

“Hey baby.” Alex stood across the island from John, crouching down to make eye contact with him. He was talking to John as though he truly  _ were _ a baby.

 

There was no response from John. He just drank his coffee and ignored the both of them as long as he could.

 

“Let us talk about this, darling.” Laf swooped in, his arm wrapping around John’s shoulders, which John promptly shrugged off. 

 

“Don't touch me.” He told Laf, not sounding as calm and cool as he wish he had. In fact, he just sounded all choked up.

 

But it did the trick, because Laf backed off, going to stand next to Alex across the counter from him. It felt like two against one.

 

That's how it often felt.

 

“Look, I know I said I'd be okay with all this. I know I said I'd be okay with you guys getting married..and with you guys adopting Philip..and I know I said I'd be okay quitting my job and staying home and helping out with Philip, but I'm not okay with it.” John talked very quickly, wanting to get it all off his chest as fast as he could.

 

“Sweetheart, why didn't you  _ tell _ us?” Alex asked, sounding a little annoyed with John. “You know we wouldn't have done it if you didn't want us to.”

 

John laughed a little harshly, shaking his head at Alex. “Why did you have to ask in the first place?! What was I supposed to say?!” He asked, his voice raising a little.

 

“No, you can't get married, even if it ups out chances of adoption because I'm too insecure and dependent on the both of you?!” John questions, already getting worked up again.

 

“And I didn't  _ know _ it would hurt like….this. It was unfair of you guys to approach me with that question and you know it. And now there's no going back so I'm forever the odd one out. The odd one out who ends up doing all the dirty work.” He sniffled, wiping his eyes.

 

“John, we had no clue we were hurting you so! Chou chou, you know we would never do that on purpose.” Laf told him, but despite looking sincere, John didn't buy it.

 

“The fact that you couldn't see what was going on makes it worse, Laf. You just didn't care enough.” John says, feeling pathetic as tears rolled down his cheeks.

 

“And I love that you guys are so in love with each other...b-but…” John paused, scared to say much more. What if they got mad? What if they decided to just kick him out?

 

“Keep going, love. You're alright, it's important for us to know how you feel.” Alex encouraged him, but his voice had a dark undertone.

 

John stared down at the counter. “But you guys are just  _ so _ in love with each other...and it used to be cool..back in the city, you know? Cuz we  _ all  _ got to hang out and I knew I had a place in this relationship and that's why I said I'd be okay with you guys getting married. Because I didn't think it would change anything and I knew how h-happy it would make you.” Tears spilled over again, but John was beyond holding them back now.

 

“But it changed so much...and adopting Pip changed so much too. I love him with all m-my heart but it was just too much too fast and n-now I feel like I'm just here as your housekeeper, not your partner.” He exclaimed, sniffling and looking at the both of them with heartbroken eyes.

 

“I know you guys didn't realize it...and maybe it's my fault for not saying anything..b-but I just wanted you both happy. And I thought you wanted me happy too but then you go and practically forget our anniversary a-and...and i-it just really hurts.” John finally finished, wiping at his eyes and looking to his partners. They both had started crying too.

 

Which was disturbing to John, because these were two  _ very  _ strong men. John himself didn't get so upset that easily, but he couldn't even remember a time when he'd seen Laf cry like that.

 

They didn't say a word for a good couple seconds...they really couldn't.

 

“John...we never  _ ever _ meant to hurt to like that. Or ignore you or make you feel any less special than you are..” Alex was the first of the two to speak, and John was surprised by his sincerity.

 

“Because you are s-so so special, Jacky.” He added, and John could hear him getting choked up.

 

Laf was nodding in agreement next to Alex, looking anything but confident. Which is usually what he carried himself with. 

 

“And you deserve all the love in ze world, mon chou….you do so much for us and it may have took us quite some time to realize zis...but we appreciate it so much. We appreciate you so much.” Laf added, wanting to touch John but deciding against it.

 

“And we will do whatever it takes to make you feel better in this relationship. We love you so much and it terrifies me zat we could have lost you because we were being so stupid.” He said, looking absolutely defeated.

 

“Whatever you want Jacky. I'll quit and you can get your job back. We can get a nanny. Me and Laf can try and get our hours changed so we can spend more time with you and Philip. Whatever you want, baby..” Alex promised, looking helpless.

 

And John didn't know how to respond. They must  _ really _ care about him if they were making these offers, right? He couldn't really feel it, but he knew the love was there.

 

“I want to move back to New York.” John stated plainly. 

 

Silence once more. 

 

“W-what?” Alex asked, mouth dropping open a little. 

 

Lafayette shushed him, looking right at John and nodding. “We said anything. We meant anything.” He smiled softly.

 

And a couple weeks later they were moving into their new apartment. It was all big windows and open space. Two bedrooms, one and a half bath, which was perfect for them.

 

Philip was much more excited than they had anticipated.

 

“THIS IS SO COOL! LOOK AT THE TINY PEOPLE!” The freckled boy had been standing by the window for an hour, looking outside with a huge smile on his face.

 

John hadn’t felt so genuinely happy in a while.    
  
He’ll admit, he was wary over how quickly he’d forgiven Alex and Laf. But they moved back to the city for him...and they’ve been giving him so much more attention since they had talked. 

 

It felt just like old times...plus Philip. 

 

“What do you think, mon chou? Happy to be back?” Laf wrapped his arms around John’s waist, smiling hopefully.

  
“So happy..this feels like home.” John said, and he really meant it. 

 

And then Alex was there, kissing John and playing with his hair. John was practically high off of all the affection. 

“You should come to work with us tomorrow. Maybe we can all sit down with Washington and try to figure something out. I’m sure he’ll be happy to have you back, John-boy.” Alex told him enthusiastically.

  
“Someone’s gotta take care of Pip--”   
  
“We’ll get a nanny! With you working it won’t be too hard to afford. And Washington  _ loves _ us, I’m sure he’ll let us rearrange our schedules so we still get enough time with Philip.” Alex promised. And this was the side of Alex that John  _ really _ loved.

 

“You think?” John asked softly.

  
“I  _ know _ , baby boy.” 

 

And how could John possibly be upset with them after all this? Sure, it could have happened a little sooner but...he just wanted to be happy for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is! I didn't proofread so don't mind any minor spelling mistakes please! I wrote a chapter at the beginning of the week but I hated it so I trashed it and wrote something entirely different! I hope you guys liked it?! Thanks so much for all the kudos and comments!!:):):):):):):) Also, apologies for the awkward spacing, my laptop is such a pain and reformatting it would have taken a year, so yeah. This probably could have been two chapters but whatEVER! Again, thank you for reading! <3

**Author's Note:**

> NEW WORK! Yay! I love fresh starts! Here I am as usual, serving up way too much angst. But lets be real guys, that's all we really want in this fandom. Hope you like it!
> 
> XOXO


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